Dazed, Beautiful and Bruised
by Katianna
Summary: An AU Sam Carter and Jonas Hanson Relationship
1. At Home

Title: Dazed, Beautiful and Bruised

Author: Katianna

E-mail: nowehave_many_bananas@yahoo.co.uk

Category: Angst/Domestic Violence

Pairing: Sam/Jonas. Implied Jack/Sam and Daniel/Janet

Spoilers: First Commandment, the Movie, Emancipation, bits and pieces of Sam's history

Season/Sequel: Before SG1 to about End of season 2

Content Warnings: Domestic Violence, Minor&Major Character Death, Rape, Language

Rating: NC

Summary: A Sam Carter and Jonas Hanson story. Inspired by Amber's Prelude'

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the author. 

Authors Notes: A bit serious. Lots of credit to Amber (thank you sooooo much) who let me steal and toy with her original story – Prelude. (Read it it's brill.). I know Jonas wasn't a pilot he was special ops, but still never mind! Thank you to Jamie, my fab Beta and to Sarah for being the most annoying friend in the world. Thanks to Mum for turning this into a serious story rather than a few pages of thoughts. All songs (and the Title) have been used without permission for which I apologise – Buy the albums and then the artists in question might forgive me! (Bjork, post / Alanis Morrisette, Under rug swept and Supposed former infatuation junkie / Peter Gabriel, explorer / Catatonia, Equally cursed and blessed.) There are others in the mill so I need feedback so I don't make the same mistakes again!

AN take two: This is the Third time I've tried to upload this! I hope it works now it's in sections!!!!!!!!

Wish me luck

**At Home **Why? Why am I letting him do this to me? It wasn't a new question. It had been asked before. By other people and by me. I knew the answer as well. But somehow today it didn't seem enough. The answer was simple. If it were not me it would be someone else. It could be anyone else. And that was a thought that she didn't want to live with. She could defend herself at least. She could duck and weave and when she was brave enough she could strike back. She could stop him going too far. The thought of him taking his anger out on another, regardless of whom they were. It didn't sit right with her. That was what kept her there, with him. Let her live with the bruises. The external signs of whom her boyfriend, her fiancé, really was. She had known how to get her revenge. But it was a path she didn't want to walk until she was sure she had him. If the courts let him of with just a short prison sentence or none at all, he would turn all of the anger for her on another. She couldn't let that happen. She had everything written down. Every mark he made, every bruise, every broken bone. All of it was recorded. And when she was ready she would hand it in. The little book had found it's way to her CO twice already, but she had intercepted it. It hadn't been time. She was prepared. She had it typed up as well, in a password covered file on her computer. If she didn't access it for more than a few weeks it would automatically e-mail itself to someone close to her. Someone who would know what to do. Know what had happened. Understand. She didn't want to consider that eventuality. She wanted to be around to see him burn. There was a splash of light and slowly Samantha Carter regained consciousness. Her eyes focused on his ring on her finger. She'd taken it off once. He'd broken her finger putting it back on for her. That had been one of the times she nearly gave up. She looked up to see him standing over her. Thinking back to earlier in the day she remembered the lost football match. The heated argument. The fist. She almost smiled to see that her blow had rung true. A bruise spread itself over the side of his face. He would not be happy. Only her fear stopped her from laughing at him. 

A gruff get off the floor' was all that she needed to know that he was drunk again. She steeled herself, pushing off the floor, to face another day with Jonas Hanson.

__

We live on a mountain  
Right at the top  
There's a beautiful view  
From the top of the mountain

Every morning I walk towards the edge  
And throw little things off  
Like car-parts, bottles and cutlery  
Or whatever I find lying around  
It's become a habit  
A way to start the day  
  
I go through all this  
Before you wake up  
So I can feel happier  
To be safe up here with you

It's real early morning  
No-one is awake  
I'm back at my cliff  
Still throwing things off  
I listen to the sounds they make  
On their way down  
I follow with my eyes 'til they crash  
Imagine what my body would sound like  
Slamming against those rocks  
When it lands  
Will my eyes  
Be closed or open?

Bjork – Hyper Ballad


	2. A neighbour

****

A neighbour 

It had been nice last night. No. Nice was the wrong word. It had been wonderful. Who would have thought that he could be so charming? He had come up with so many wonderful things that we'd done together, hell, I wanted to be me. We'd visited the Robs next door. They were having a Barbecue with friends and, being next door neighbors, we'd been invited. Mrs. Rob was a concerned lady. She'd confronted me more than once about Jonas. But I didn't want anyone else to get involved. If he found out I'd been talking to someone

The invitation to the barbecue had been to me and me alone, but Jonas wasn't one to pass up on a chance to show off his smart air force beauty to anyone, and the promise of free beer and new men to boast to was too tempting. We'd sat with our arms around each other and commented on the weather, the garden and football. We sat there on the bench in our neighbor's garden and I'd fended off, with skilful ease, jokes about women in the army much to the hilarity of the women, who knew their sexist husbands too well. Jonas had helped the men mess with the barbecue, which didn't really need messing with; it was a man thing. And I went to help the women prepare food. They didn't really need help, but I couldn't help the men with their man thing.

Afterwards, when everyone was nearly gone, Sarah took me aside and she smiled at me with tears in her eyes and whispered in my ear. You're very brave' she said. And from her eyes I saw a tear fall for me. She knew why. Why I sat there and smiled. Why I sat there and hoped he wouldn't drink too much, but never asked for protection. She could see and she knew.

She could see why that night I sat and I waited, for the blows I knew would come. Why this morning I looked in the mirror to see another blue mark appearing and why I will cover it and hide it and laugh and bluster my way through another day. For. Love. Not for him, not for me, but of everyone who is too near to him for comfort.

__

In this proud land we grew up strong  
We were wanted all along  
I was taught to fight  
Taught to win  
I never thought I could fail 

No fight left or so it seems  
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted  
I've changed my face  
I've changed my name  
But no one wants you when you lose 

Don't give up  
You still have us  
Don't give up  
We don't need much of anything  
Don't give up  
'Cause somewhere there's a place where we belong 

Rest your head  
You worry too much  
It's going to be alright  
When times get rough  
You can fall back on us  
Don't give up  
Please don't give up 

Kate Bush and Peter Gabriel – Don't Give up


	3. At Work

**At work **I had been working on something new when he walked through the door. There was something wrong with seeing him there. This was my safe place. He wasn't meant to be here. Liam and I were bouncing ideas off each other. There was some equation we'd been asked to work on. Wormhole Physics or something. Something in the equation didn't make sense. I don't recall what. The moment I saw his face, all out of place there, standing behind Liam, leaning on the doorframe. My mind went blank. Liam must have seen something in my face change because he turned to face Jonas with fire in his eyes. They'd never met, but Liam knows more about Jonas and I than anyone else that I know. He's like by big brother. Still I haven't told him everything. I could never tell him everything. I waited for something to happen, praying for him to be careful, not to confront Jonas. Then he smiled and the cloud lifted. The silence broke and I walked over to him, carefully placing myself between him and Liam. Hey' was all I said. I kissed him and he explained that he was delivering something to one of the generals further down the hall and had decided to drop in. I introduced him to Liam and they shook hands and Liam smiled, polite but distant. I thanked him mentally and watched Jonas walk down the hall and around the corner. I smiled at Liam and walked calmly into the office. Liam came in a moment later, he sat beside me, he wiped the tears from my face and he gasped as the tears removed the make up covering my face. I didn't see him leave, but he returned after a few minutes with a wet cloth. He wiped my face clear of the mask and looked carefully at every mark. Then he took my hands and looked into my eyes. Stop' was all he said to me, but in that comment I knew I'd lost control. I tried to decide when it had happened. Maybe it was here on my cheek, or here on my finger, or here on my ribs. Maybe I'd never had control. Maybe control was his game and I'd been playing it all this time. 

Am I in too deep? Can I take control?

__

You'll rescue me right? in the exact same way they never did..

I'll be happy right? when your healing powers kick in

You'll complete me right? then my life can finally begin

I'll be worthy right? only when you realize the gem I am?

But this won't work now the way it once did

And I won't keep it up even though I would love to

Once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am

But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was defenseless

And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

This ring will complete me yet as will you knight in shining armor

This pill will help me yet as will these boys gone through like water

But this won't work as well as the way it once did

Cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss

And though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am

But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid

And parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

I've spent so long firmly looking outside me

I've spent so much time living in survival mode

Alanis Morissette – Precious Illusions


	4. The opportunity

****

The opportunity 

I was surprised when the idea of wormhole physics was brought up again. I wasn't like the research directors at the Pentagon to throw an idea at you repeatedly. Normally there were several options on the table to choose from. But this wasn't an option. We would work on the wormhole theories. It wasn't until something obvious was found that they let us in on the little secret of why we were doing this work. The Stargate. The huge metal ring that they'd dug up and fiddled with until they'd realized what it did. Interstellar travel. Wow. The thought was enough to fry your brain. And there was my name on the top of the list, well, just below Dr. Jackson's actually, to go through the Stargate when they got it to work. We weren't due to meet up until about a month before they opened the Stargate and we all had to move into the area. Jonas got a transfer to Colorado, the base of the Stargate operations deep beneath Cheyenne Mountain, easily enough and was OK with moving because he didn't like his CO on his base. We were working as hard as we could to try and get the gate open for business and the different groups didn't meet up often so I didn't really have time to meet up with Dr. Jackson before he finally opened the gate. We were told to take a few weeks off whilst they planed the mission and then we would meet up and start our training for it. It was the opportunity of the lifetime – to go into space. No one could know. But if things did go wrong, if we didn't reach the other side or if we couldn't get back; the system was still set to send the e-mail to Liam in the Pentagon. Nothing would be wasted. Jonas would still be taken down.

But one thing I never counted on was Jonas. I suppose I should know him by now. The real him that is. He smiles and shakes hands and everyone tells me what a great catch I have. But he's changed over the last few years. His old teammates will vouch for that. But he's split himself him self inside somehow. Disproportionation is a word for it. A nice, impersonal scientific word for this man that stands before me. Part of him, the outside part that everyone sees, this part has softened and cultured. Opening up to his surroundings and starting to living in the outside world. The other part, the inside, had twisted around and tightened. Lashing out at every opportunity and releasing all emotions on me. On my body and my mind. Killing me inside. But it was the outside that everyone else saw. Which is why, when one Major Doctor Samantha Carter was removed from active duty for a month, missing the first fateful Stargate Mission, no one noticed the satisfied look on the face of the man who was responsible. Because that was the inside face. The one that no one sees. No one but me.

****

Away 

If there was one thing I'd learned with Jonas, it was that eye contact in a bad situation was not the way to go. So, standing here in this horrendous dress in front of the man who is just about to buy me and is currently breathing his horrendous breath down my neck and waving a very long knife around. I'm desperately trying to find something thrilling to stare at in the room. How does Daniel do it? Find everything so thrilling? I thought of my three teammates, my three friends, whom I'd grown so close to these last few months. It seemed like I'd known them forever. There was Colonel O'Neill. The sad air force Colonel, who'd lost someone close, but didn't want to talk about it. Who cracked jokes and refused to leave anyone behind. Who wasn't beyond grinning at his 2IC in a dress. His strong, no messing, I can be a man better than any of you', 2IC. Who was now going to have to work twice as hard to win back his trust in her as an officer. Tall and hard-featured, he could be very threatening if he wanted to be. He was a stubborn man, who had a soft spot for a certain Dr., even though he admitted to hating all scientists. Daniel. He was so sweet, really. He deserved his own sign Danger, walking disaster area.' Although it was possible he'd never get over the loss of his wife who had, so recently, been taken, he was so sure he'd get her back. Anthropologist, archaeologist, linguist, part time genius. Without him they could never go on the amazing travels through the star gate. And without him there was a serious chance that the Colonel might not still be here today. Tall and thin, his brown bangs had been cut short this year in an attempt to conform to the military norm. The new hairstyle making his huge blue eyes look, if it were possible, even bluer. And then there was Teal'c. Big, strong, stoic Teal'c. Hugely built and facially emotionless apart from the occasional twitch of an eyebrow. Self appointed guardian to them all. Who had given up his planet to join their fight against his people's oppressors. I'm not sure if I've won his trust yet. He's an emotional blank to me. The colonel seems to be able to interpret all of the subtle movements in his face that shows all of his emotions, but I still can't. Women on his world were to be protected, not to fight. He was still a little over protective of me for my liking, but I can get over that if that's what it takes for his friendship.

I listen to his words with detachment. "You skin is fair. Your eyes the colour of blue river stones." He's finished circling me and is stood before me. His hand brushes an old bruise and I flinch. "Someone has touched you in violence. You shall be safe with me if you behave. Do as I say and no one will hurt you again." The voice has softened. I feel like I'm being looked at like a car. One previous owner. Slight damage.'

Oh, God. He's asking for eye contact. For a moment I consider the man. He's big. Not that young, but either of these could work with or against me. And looking around I know that I would never get out of here alive, even if I could get the man's knife, that he was waving around rather close to my throat, away from him and get into a position to use it with my hands still bound. God, that's a big knife. I wasn't willing to be this man's slave, but getting myself killed trying to escape wasn't sensible. The rest of the team were bound to find out sooner or later and come to rescue me. I come to my senses as a young girl walks in and Abu's eyes follow her around the room. She's beautiful and I'm not surprised to find that this is the prize my captor wishes to trade me for. But her father, her father who's breath I can still feel on my skin. He has other plans. He wished to trade her for tribal unity. To another chieftain, sounding as chauvinistic as he was. Not a good trade. Not for her.

"How could you do that to your own daughter!?!" I'm asking, even before I register that Abu has left and I belong to this man. Everything is disjointed by fear. I know that I will be rescued. I know that. So why am I so scared? Even before I can register the hand raised in violence it streaks a painful line across my cheek. "A woman does not speak unless she is spoken to." Comes the command. Oh, God.

I stand, confronting him about his daughter. He's made a bad deal in me and I'm going to make sure he knows it. "How would you like to be hung upside down with dried husks in your mouth and nose. Suffocation is a slow way to die." Oh God, no. He'd do it as well. I know that. Where are the guys, where are my team? There's only one I'm getting through this alive. Submission. To survive.

"I'm sorry. I'm sure you know what's best for her." I look away. Inside, something screams. That same thing was still screaming later that day when I see an opportunity. As all of the women ran towards one tent to look after a young girl, I pick up the knife I'd been cutting vegetables with. It wasn't sharp, but it would do. I carefully sneak a look out of the corral where the women were kept and located the horses. They were where I'd seen them before, bridled but not saddled. It was going to be hell riding bareback in this dress, but I could do it. I was glad of the riding I'd done when I was younger. Vaulting onto the nearest bridled horse I ride off quickly down the track I'd entered the camp with Abu on. I prayed that the guys would be somewhere along this track, looking for her. A few meters out of camp I was feeling free and thinking about slowing the horse to avoid tiring it when a whistle sounded. I'd never taken lessons on a rearing horse whilst riding bareback in a dress. It wasn't a situation I thought the air force would ever put me in. Lying on the floor I realised what this would mean. He would punish me for this, trying to escape. I had never doubted my ability to escape. Never thought about what the consequences would be if I failed. I cursed myself as I was dragged off the floor by rough hands. I was in trouble now.

We were back in his tent and his wives were still stood behind him like veiled guards. It as almost a physical pain for me, when I think of what they endure. What they thought was fair and just. If you behave I will protect you.' I don't want to know. At a hand gesture from the tyrant a woman I recognized as one of his wives stepped forward and a whip appeared. As he slit through her top and prepared to swing the whip I steeped in, knowing it was a bad idea, but not being able to stop myself.

"Hey! If you need to hit a woman to feel like a man, try me!" Did I say that? What am I doing? Trying to commit suicide again?

"I like spirit in my horses. I look for something else in my women." And with that he grabbed the back of my head and almost head-butted me, trying to get me to kiss him. A short time later I sit with his daughter and the woman's too it seems. She thanks me for her mother's life and I try to show her the error in the tyrant's ways. She is convinced. She would escape, and I would help her.

I stood facing him across the arena. The colonel didn't believe I could beat him. The truth in his eyes was plain for all to see. But this I would do to save the life of a child who didn't deserve to die, her only crime being the madness' known as love. Facing me was the chieftain. He didn't believe I could beat him either. Then again, that's not so laughable when I compare the size of the huge blade that he's hefting to the tiny blade we're provided with to protect ourselves. Yeah, right. Lets look at this. He's bigger than I am. He has a larger weapon. He hasn't been beaten in the last few hours. I might be a better fighter hand-to-hand than he might, but things don't look good. Good training is never a compromise for size. Something I'd leaned the hard way in training. Oh God

Oh, great idea Sam, aggravate him until he really tries to kill you. Brilliant plan. But then he was on the floor, my blade at his throat. I was tensing to press down, all of my anger at him, at Jonas, at men in general A call from his daughter brought me back to reality, dragged me back. I didn't want to kill this man the voice told me. But I did Didn't I? Another one would just take over, fill his place and start again. Killing him wouldn't change anything for these people. What I would do was teach him. Teach him my way.

The colonel looked at me curiously.

"What is it sir? Didn't you think I could do it?"

"Can I tell you a story Sam?" Since when does he call me Sam? Maybe since I stopped following his orders' my conscience decided to put in. OK, but still.

"Sure sir, fire away."

"When I was younger I owned a very nice car. A corvette in fact. My friends and I tended to drive it through the streets at not quite legal speeds, and one day we got pulled up, somewhere around Colorado Springs funnily enough. The police stopped us and I'll never forget the guys. Their names were Mark and Simon and they slashed my tires and took us all home in the police car. I think that was when my parents decided to enrol me in the airforce. I could've killed those men that night, just cause they'd made me look bad in front of my friends. They never really did anything to me. Well, Except for slashing the tires which cost a bomb" Was the man ever going to shut up?

"Is there a point to this story sir, because I ache and I'm tired and I'd rather just" Jack interrupted with,

"I think what I'm trying to say is that I'm proud of you Carter. I don't think I could have shown the same restraint in the same situation."

"Thank you, sir. You have no idea how much that means to me." And I meant it. My CO was proud of me. My day was made. Now for my dad, my brother, my fiancé

I walked into my house, so glad to be home and safe. Dr. Janet Fraiser, the base's CMO had held me back for what seemed like hours, making sure I hadn't done anything serious to myself during my adventure. Janet was a great friend, we'd connected almost immediately and, despite her sometimes over-enthusiastic ministrations, she was a very good doctor. She had been worried about me when I'd admitted to the way I'd been treated in the camp. She worries too much. Jonas was home when I got in; his jacket hung neatly on a hook by the door.

"Hey Honey, I'm home." I called, Flintstones style, hoping for a laugh, a hello, anything.

"Get in here." Came the gruff reply, not exactly what I hoped for. Still on a delayed adrenaline high, I didn't notice the aggression in the voice. The cold, hinting aggression that was so obvious when I think back to it.

"Hey! You wouldn't believe my day." I called round into the dining room. That was an understatement, she thought. Today I travelled to the ends of the galaxy and met a group of chauvinistic bastards who proceeded to sell me to the highest bidder. The usual.

I walked around the corner that evening, tired and bruised, and woke up the next day mourning the loss of another day. Too much time lost, too much.

__

I was afraid you'd hit me if I'd spoken up  
I was afraid of your physical strength I was afraid  
You'd hit below the belt I was afraid of your  
Sucker punch I was afraid of you reducing me  
I was afraid of your alcohol breath I was afraid  
Of your complete disregard for me I was afraid  
Of your temper I was afraid of handles being  
Flown off of I was afraid of holes being punched  
Into walls I was afraid of your testosterone

Alanis Morissette – Sympathetic Character


	5. Friends

****

Friends

It was going to be a party. We were celebrating the 2nd year of the SGC. General Hammond practically ordered us to invite our families. I'd avoided the whole thing like a plague until we were posted a letter giving us a time and date. Typically it was addressed to both of us, so he opened it. He wanted to go. I'd been off world so often recently that I hadn't spent much time at home. I'd been camping out on the base because of the stream of missions we'd been sent on and it always happened that when we had time off he'd been off somewhere else. I'd been lucky. It had given me time to recover a little bit. I hadn't felt so relaxed for ages. Other than fighting to save the world and all that.

This gave us some time together. He was being amazingly relaxed after all of the work he'd been doing. It gave him someone else to take his anger out on. I was almost happy to let him come. Almost happy. I wasn't completely happy about him meeting my friends. They were something that was mine and I didn't want anything to brake us up. Especially a nasty comment from my fiancée. Any way, Jonas had made up his mind now and wouldn't be swayed. We turned up late but Jonas was in a good mood and quickly started introducing himself to everyone. Sitting back, beside our Doctor, Janet, I watched him interact with my friends. I don't know whether or not someone pointed Jack in that direction or whether it was a chance encounter but there, protecting their beloved beer, Jack and Jonas met. I was almost surprised to see them start laughing and joking together, but smiled as Janet rested her hand on my shoulder.

"See, nothing to be worried about." Was her only comment. I turned to her in surprise.

"How did you know I was worried."

"Honey, you're so tense I'm surprised no one else has noticed. You don't want him to be here. I know that." I wasn't sure how to respond so I muttered some non-answer. "I can see how you fell for him. He's charismatic. But you should have got rid of him by now. You know he's not worth it." I looked at her with surprise in my eyes. I hadn't told her. I hadn't told anyone. "You didn't think I wouldn't notice. I'm your doctor, Sam. I see every mark he makes on you."

"Who else knows?" I whispered finally. I didn't know whether I was upset or happy that someone else knew. My first response was to be annoyed, upset, worried. But something inside of me relaxed knowing that this woman, my friend, had my back.

"I think Daniel has his suspicions and he's been watching you two like a hawk since you walked in. He's worried about you." I glanced over to where Daniel had been sitting and, sure enough, he was glaring at Jonas with hate in his eyes. I stood up to go and talk to him and was pounced upon by the Colonel.

"Hey Sam! You're late."

"I know sir, sorry."

"The general said family, Carter. Where's your obligatory significant other'?"

"You've already met him sir, Jonas Hanson."

"Ah, our dear friend Jonas. Really Captain, I didn't think he was your type." There was an expression behind the Colonel's eyes that I didn't recognize. It made me wonder for a moment. 

"Do you know him, sir?"

"We've just met. Lovely guy." The look in his eyes did not match up with his words and I wondered for a moment if I was missing something. My line of thought was interrupted when Jonas came over, obviously bored.

"Hey Sam. What you doin'?"

"Just talking. You've met Colonel O'Neill, my CO. This is Janet Fraiser, the Base's CMO." I stood up introducing my friend cautiously.

"Bet you get some really interesting jobs in the Deep Space Telemetry unit, Doctor. Look out – the colonel's got a paper cut." Jonas joked, mock seriously holding up the colonel's hand. Jack laughed along with his joke. I frowned; it wasn't really a surprise that the Colonel and Jonas got along. It just made me wonder why it was so difficult to see that they were really alike.

"Come on Sam, it was only a joke." Jake broke into my reverie "cheer up a bit."

"Sorry Jack. I was just thinking."

"So, it's Sam and Jack is it?"

"Give it a break Jonas." I snapped. Jack frowned down at me, but left it and went to talk to Daniel, leaving Jonas to scowl and march off.

"Damn, I'm gonna pay for that. I wish we didn't have time off. If I could just stay here and mess with all the equipment I'd be happy. I'd just never go home."

"You could come over mine tonight if you like. Hang out for a while. Girls only."

"Thanks Janet, but I can't."

"That's OK. Look, if you need to, you have my number, right?" She smiled at me quietly and I felt like crying. Unbeknown to me Daniel was still sitting in his seat watching everything, but now he had a purpose. He was going to risk it all. He knew he was right now. Janet and my faces had told him everything. Calling over to Jack he took him aside and told him his suspicions.

It was ten minutes later when all hell broke loose. Jack was holding Jonas against a wall by his neck and a circle of people were massing around them. The general, having disappeared around the corner to talk to some one, came rushing in and started shouting orders on deaf ears.

"Colonel O'Neill. Would you please put Major Hanson down." Was his final resort, but by this time Jack's arms were tired anyway. Jonas grabbed me by the arm and we left, heading quickly for the car. Back in the meeting hall Janet turned on Jack.

"Do you realize what you've done? You've made things worse. Beating him up isn't going to stop him. Sam has a plan. She has a way to get him. Or she had. You've ruined everything." Janet paused, her face red. "You idiot!" She exclaimed as she headed home to be prepared for Sam's call if it came.

The next day Janet came into work early, not having received a call last night, but hoping that Sam would be able to make her own way to work. She was off duty and shouldn't be in work at all, but she had a feeling Sam would need her after last night. But she was disappointed. Sam didn't come in at all that day. One of the lab tech. called in to see if she wanted something to do and she accepted, giving her worry over into dutiful work.

I parked up in the Base's car park carefully. It had been agony getting there. My arm was killing me and I'm not sure I'm seeing straight. Probably a concussion. I was wearing enough clothes for a deep winter, which probably looked a little strange mid-summer in Colorado, but I didn't want to be stopped at the gates. I just wanted to see Janet. See Janet and tell her everything. Get her to tell me that everything would be fine.

She was sleeping in her office when I found her. Lying on a pile of books on her desk. It can't have been comfortable. It made me wonder how she got here from last night.

The next morning Janet sat up from the desk she'd fallen asleep at last night. Trying to work out what she was doing falling to sleep at work when she was meant to be on leave, she looked around her. She gasped at what she saw.

Sam was stood in the doorway. Or maybe it was better to say that she leaned in the doorway. Seeing her there Janet breathed a sigh of relief, she was OK. She was here. She was safe. She was collapsing. Yelling for a nurse Janet supported Sam and helped her over to a bed. This was bad. Sam had a concussion, her head was bleeding, her arm looked swollen and her breathing was labored. And that was just what she could see. Janet looked Sam in the eyes.

"Sam, are you OK?" That was the question. The one I didn't want. No I wasn't OK. I felt stupid and I hurt. I was dying inside because I wasn't sure I could go back into that house. I was crying before I knew it, silent tears welling in my eyes. I was safe here. It was a few minutes before Janet pushed me back and took my shoulders, adjusting her grip as I winced. "Sam I need to check you out, OK? Can I do that?" I nodded quietly, not trusting my voice just yet. It only took a few minutes, but before she was finished Janet knew what she was going to say.

"Sam, you need to stop this now. You have everything you need to get Jonas now. Do it now. Before it's too late." I nodded again. I knew. I knew he'd gone too far. "Do you wanna come stay with me while we sort this out?"

"No. Thanks, but I know where I can go. My dad, he called before the party last night. That's why we were late. He's ill Janet. I'm gonna go spend some time with him while he's off work, maybe I can sort things out there. Sort out my life. Do you think you can get me the time off?"

"Easily, but Sam, what do you want me to tell everyone? Can I tell the General, or the colonel? The rest of SG1?"

"Tell whoever you think should know. It's all over now. It's finished. Do you have the copy of the book I sent you?"

"Yeah."

"When I get to my dad's I'll disconnect the emergency back-up system. Liam will only receive the e-mail if there's something wrong."

"Do you want me to take it to the police? Then they're the ones who get to sort out Jonas." I paused. This was it. All of my plans were about to go into motion. Is it the right time? Am I ready? Do I want to do this?

"If that's best, yeah." Janet looked at me. Trying to see through the pain to the emotions inside. I watched her careful examination. Wondering what she'd find.

"Wait a minute. You said Sam, what day is it?" I puzzled over the strange question.

"Sunday. Day after the base party. Why?"

"Oh, God, Sam. It's Monday. Have you been unconscious that long? You were lucky not to bleed to death... You were so lucky." With that Janet's control was lost and we sat together crying for what was past.

It was an hour later when I left the base and headed to see my father. Who'd have known I'd never get there?

__

My foundation was rocked my tried and true way to deal was to vanish

My departures were old I stood in the room shaking in my boots

At that particular time love had challenged me to stay

At that particular moment I knew not run away again

That particular month I was ready to investigate with you

At that particular time

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself

And yet I wanted to save us high water or hell

And I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt 

And in the meantime I lost myself

In the meantime I lost myself

I'm sorry I lost myself.i am

Alanis Morissette – Particular Time


	6. Explainantions

****

Explanations

Janet turned as the other three members of SG1 walked into the infirmary. These three men and the women who'd just left had rewritten the dictionary meaning for disaster area. Now it read SG1'. They'd also saved the world more than once already. When she turned on them today there was a fire in her eyes that hadn't been there that weekend. Silently she handed each of them a Doctor's report. Then she marched out of the room, headed for the general's office.

__

There was a splitting pain that wrenched through my arm, ripping through me.

Jack caught up with her before she turned the first corner.

"Janet, what is this?"

__

The agony was too much. Causing me to call out, to yell. He smiled grimly in my face.

"It's my report on the injuries Jonas inflicted on one Major Samantha Carter after the stunt you two pulled on Saturday night." The shock on their faces registered quietly with Janet. They deserved it.

__

My head slammed in to the wall and I felt something break as the world started spinning.

"Janet, where is she? I have to go talk to her. Is she all right?" Jack's eyes betrayed him. Showing the pain that he was trained to hide.

__

I have to keep my balance. It's all based on balance. If I have my balance I can The wall betrays me again. Striking out at me.

"She's safe Jack. She's gone to stay with her father. I'm taking a report she's written to the General and he will take it to the police. They can take it to the courts. This was what Sam planned all along. If you hadn't interrupted she could have done it with a little less pain." OK so he didn't deserve that.

__

Things aren't moving right again and black spots have appeared on the walls. And on the stairs. Big black spots. I have to pull myself together. I don't want to be this close to the stairs. It's a long way down

"General. Could I have a moment?" The Doctor sat and explained. She took him through every detail in the report. All the medical experience she could offer to help him understand, the poor old man, that one of his officers had crawled into her office this morning with no hope. She explained the leave, and what should happen next.

__

The stairs were getting closer, despite my efforts. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't take control. I couldn't

That night the Doctor walked outside to her car. She looked around for a moment with something niggling at the back of her head. Something that shouldn't be there. After a few minutes she gave up and went home. It would come to her.

****

The Past

The phone rang. "Hammond" was the simple answer.

"Major General Hammond? This is General Stephens. You asked me to contact you? Something about some of the men under my command?"

"Yes. I'm looking into the history of a Major Jonas Hanson and a Captain Samantha Carter. I was under the impression they were under your command at one time."

"Yeah, they were both under my command. Hanson. Never liked him. Creepy guy. Bad history. Quiet ones are always the worst."

"Did the two meet under your command?"

"Umm, yeah. Yeah, I remember. Start of Desert Storm'. She was flying an F-16; he was in the old tankbuster – the A-10. Not many of those left these days. I can remember a conflict between the two planes. They wanted to replace the old A-10s with new kited up F-16. Never worked couldn't get the range out of the F-16 for the job. Sad that, ugly old things the A-10s. What did you want to know about them?"

"Anything you can think of, We're doing an investigation into Hanson's behavior."

"I can't remember how they met, tell truth. But I remember they used to talk in the mess. Can't remember how exactly it happened. I never liked Hanson. Carter was a great pilot though, for a scientist. Every so often, if you started to forget that she was a scientist she would go off on one. Took hours to shut her up. But Hanson he was weird. He took risks in the planes that anyone else would have thought were insane. Wired. But he could pull the stunts off, he was that good. Weird guy. Bad History."

"But Captain Carter and he got along?"

"She was a lieutenant at the time. Some history herself. I remember now. She'd pulled some stunt in the F-16. Nose-dive into a bottleneck dropping the HARM on the way down. Beautiful. Bleeding insane though. Saved the MI's lives, hit her target. Everyone was ribbing Hanson. Saying she was challenging his title as the most insane pilot of the fleet. Thought he'd take it badly, you know, what with her being a girl and all, but they just started comparing stunts and planes and before anyone knew it they were all over each other. I think I saw him smile for the first time when they were together. His crew says he smiles at his planes sometimes, but I've never seen it. I didn't like Hanson, so I tried to get them split up, you know. In the interests of both of their safety. But before long they were both deep in the fighting and I thought that maybe it couldn't hurt, y'know. Take their minds of everything. After everything had finished, she was transferred to the Pentagon. He turned up the day after she'd left with a belting great bruise on his face and a temper like a lion. It wasn't until about a year later that we started to notice things change in him. He started talking to people, smiling. It was weirder than seeing him angry and normal. Normal for Jonas that is. What ever had happened, it had changed him. A few months later he announced that they were getting engaged. About five years ago he got a transfer and moved up to Colorado with Carter. Sounded like she got herself a desk job, from what I heard. Something to do with telescopes. He left a different man to when he started here. Completely different. I haven't seen him since he left for Colorado. Bit sad to see him go; though I scare myself saying it. He was a good pilot. Just bad history."

"Thank you, General. You've been most helpful. I may have to get beck to you."

"Any time General, any time."

The general turned to his desk. Sat on it was the journal. Notes made by the Captain over time. Little things, her thoughts, her feeling. He'd saved this job for last and now, as he waited for the phone calls from all of Samantha Carter's closest friends, relatives and people who knew her, people she'd pointed out as those who could help her in her quest, he picked up this journal, staring at the worn cover of the thin note book. Now wanting to break into Sam's private domain. He opened the cover.

We've known each other for longer than I care to think about. Things have changed over time. When they'd first met Jonas Hanson had been a harsh and embittered man. Hurt about his past and scared of his future. When we'd first met I hadn't been much different. Playing up to superiors, being the bright one, this never handed me friends on a platter. I considered suicide one day. There wasn't anything to look forward to. Samantha Carter, PhD. I kill people for a living. Only the bad people that is, or the people my government told me were bad. I'd flown my plane, my great and powerful F-16, straight at the gully where I was meant to be doing my run. I was close before I dropped the HARM and pulled up. Feeling the air ripple as the complex forces I knew so well squeezed and released the air and the ground. And the people. When I smiled at him that evening he smiled back and I saw in his face a familiar demon. And seeing it there, and spending time with it it allowed both of us time to release our demons for a time. Only I never knew the depth of Jonas' demon. It goes much, much deeper than I could ever have imagined. Giving him a chance to get rid of it only made him cling to it closer. To take it closer to him.

__

What's it been, over a decade

It still smarts like it was four minutes ago

We only influenced each other, totally

We only bruised each other more so

How long, can a girl be shackled to you?

And how long til my dignity is reclaimed

How long can a girl be haunted by you?

Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name

Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name

Alanis Morissette – Flinch

The phone rang. "Hammond" came the response.

"Hi, umm, Liam Garland. You asked me to call you back ASAP?"

"So you're saying Hanson and Captain Carter weren't together when she first arrived at the Pentagon?"

"No. From what I could tell, they broke up just before she left for D.C. I think he tried to hit her when she was leaving. Something to do with his past. I didn't really get it all, she was kind of upset and, well we'd only just met, so"

"I see. So how did they get engaged?"

"Well. I don't really know what was happening, but he turned up at a party, drunk and looking for her. She left pretty sharpish and he tried to attack one of the guests. She gave him a broken nose and two months later Sam turns up at work wearing a ring. No warning, nothing. Tells us she's engaged to this guy. I think she knew from the start what she was doing, building up the file and all, but she didn't tell anyone. It wasn't like it wasn't obvious that he was beating on her, but I don't think she wanted anyone else involved. I think the only reason she risked her stupid plan was to catch him. Because she was worried the next person he got hold of might not be military, might not be able to protect herself against him. She's a stubborn girl, general. Please keep her safe."

"Don't worry, son. We've got this guy. I promise."

He picked up the journal once again. Calming himself so that he could read the gently sloping writing slowly and understand. Understand why.

Liam told me he'd seen him the other day. Here, in the city. I don't want him to be here. Liam knew, he offered comfort, but this isn't the time. I'm scared. I'm scared for Liam and my new friends here. I'm scared for anyone who he touches and anyone who he knows. I'll leave Liam to be worried about me. He's like a little brother to me. He looks after me and I look after him. I spent the other day thinking of Dad and Mark. I miss them. I haven't talked to either of them for years. I don't even think they know I've been promoted, Dad was out of town' and Mark just didn't want to know. He's never wanted to know since mum died. He can't believe I joined the air force after mum. I don't think it was the air force's fault my mum died, or my dad's that he was late to pick her up. It was some stupid drunk driver who will probably never be allowed to drive again, and if he's sensible, never try. I think if I tell myself that enough times I might even believe it. I wished for my mum's soft face hiding in the crowd as General Jason pinned the tiny flowers on the lapels of my dress uniform. I miss her. I wish I could talk to my dad or bother about it, but I can't. It's a simple fact. I'm a Captain now, and even more than before I have to play my dad's impenetrable and unfeeling air force officer. The one he loves so much. I just pray I don't see Jonas. I hope he doesn't find me. I hope

__

Where've you been, I heard you moved to my city

My brother saw you, somewhere downtown

I'd be paralysed, if I ran into you

My tongue would seize up if we were to meet again

How long, can a girl be tortured by you?

And how long til my dignity is reclaimed

How long can a girl be haunted by you?

Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name

Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name

Alanis Morissette – Flinch 

A party, they were setting up a party and everyone at the office and the sector in the Pentagon knew about it. Someone had come up to me and told me, thinking that I was just someone who hadn't been invited. It's surprising how big that place is. There are people who haven't heard of me here. It's new. The people that is. I'm so used to working in a small tight-knit community, it's strange. I miss the planes. The Pentagon is a place of hushed voices and loud secrets. I miss the planes. The party was going to be held in some big hall. Liam was marching me around the groups of people, making sure I met every one. I just wanted to sit in the corner and watch, listen. Know these people from the outside before I really had to meet them. When a scientist who worked next door to me told me that someone was here looking for me, a Jonas, I smiled and told him he must be mistaken, I didn't know anyone called Jonas. I wasn't until I heard him scream my name across the room that I believed him. Realised he was here, here looking for me. Here to get me. I ran. I ran through the nearest door, not bothering who saw my undignified dash. I ran out of the car park and jumped into my car, seeing the guy's face in the great bay windows of the hall as I drove away. I waited until I knew I was out of sight and pulled over, laying my head in my hands and crying until I felt empty and my head throbbed. He was here.

__

So here I am, one room away from where I know you're standing

A well intentioned man told me you just walked in

This man knows not how this information has affected me

But he knows the colour of the car I just drove away in

How long, can a girl be tortured by you?

And how long til my dignity is reclaimed

How long can a girl be haunted by you?

Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name

Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name

Alanis Morissette – Flinch 

I stood in my room in my new house here in D.C., knowing you would be coming. Knowing you would find me. I stood in my room and waited.

My face was clean and dry. My body tense. I was ready. I could do this. When he marched through the door I would confront him and give in. I was planning to give in. He would hurt someone. When he was like this I knew he would hurt someone and I couldn't let that happen. No. No more running. He was going down and I knew how to do it. So I stood there until he arrived. Until he got here. Then it started. Then it started. And you never knew.

Jonas walked in yesterday with a red face and tear-filled eyes. Before I could reach him, before I could ask him what was wrong he collapsed against the door, slamming it and falling into a heap on the floor. I sat down there beside him, not touching, just there for him when he was ready. And I waited. And when his sobs subsided I offered him my support, a gentle touch, a hug. I offered him my love, my comfort. And when he was ready he took me. He crossed a line he'd never crossed before and he took me. And then he beat me senseless. When I woke up in hospital two weeks later I asked Liam about the Stargate mission. The first mission. The last as it seemed. Lives had been lost, Dr. Jackson, the man who had opened the Stargate was one of them. The program would be shut down. Liam laughed at the look on my face. I'd lived through much worse, he told me. Jonas' mother pressed charges on his Father three weeks ago, and he has been given life imprisonment. Two weeks ago Jonas' father committed suicide. Yesterday Jonas walked in with a red face and tear-filled eyes. Only it wasn't yesterday was it? How much of my life I might miss.

The General looked down at the journal. No being able to conceal his anger anymore he shouted and threw the journal across the room. The police were still not able to get permission to raid the house and arrest Hanson, and it looked like without Sam around they never would. They were working on it. Knowing some of the people on the force was always helpful. But he had a promise to keep to an old friend. He had promised he would keep General Carter's daughter safe from harm under his command, and he had failed his promise dismally. Now it was his duty to bring this man down. He looked over at the journal and noticed a slip of paper that had fallen out. It was heavily scored and folded and, upon taking a closer look at this lost piece of paper, he could see it contained both Sam's and Jonas' handwriting. What was this? As slowly he read, he began to understand, to understand many, many things. Finishing the journal and putting the loose page aside he handed it to the people he knew needed to understand. SG1. Her team, her friends, who she had kept this from for so long.


	7. His Story

****

His Story

If you won't talk about it write it down

I don't want to

Go on

Why should I?

Please

No. This is stupid. You don't want to hear about my life. Tell me about yours

You know about my life, you've met my Dad, you know everything about me and I know nothing about you. Tell me?

I don't know everything about you

More than I know about you, your turn.

Are you sure you want to know about my life?

I'm listening.

I loved my Father. He was the strongest man I ever knew. He wouldn't take shit from no-one. My Mother was weak. Jamie, my brother and I had to look after her for my Father. Make sure she didn't get herself into trouble. She couldn't look after herself. Didn't know when to open her mouth and when to keep it shut. My Dad taught her, he showed her how to do things and then make sure that she did it right.

My Mother made sure I grew up a Christian, she gave me a Bible to read, but I don't think I ever really believed the stories in it, they were just stories, y'know? She told me it was important to understand the things in the bible, but my Father said they were worthless, so I just stopped reading eventually.

We came back home one day, I can't remember where we had been, but it was just us, my Father and Jamie, and my mother was gone. I don't know where she went, but, somehow I always assumed she take Jamie with her, you know. So they could protect each other. I could live with my father, but Jamie, he was smart. He needed different things. My Father hated him because he was so smart. He called him thick, called him an idiot. We knew different, and Mother and I. We used to buy books for him and make sure he learnt the important things. He believed in the things he read in the bible. Father said it was wrong, it was one of the things he told her was wrong, one of the things he taught her about, but I was proud of him.

And then she was gone, and suddenly it was Jamie that was always doing things wrong, you know? He always had to be punished. Dad started hitting on Jamie. He'd never done that before, hit on Jamie. I though he was going to kill him. So I decided I'd take Jamie to our mother. Find her and take him to her, so that she could look after him. He was all bruised and swollen. I didn't know he was hurt so bad. We went out and it was so cold and he died out there, little Jamie. He was so smart. And I couldn't help him. Couldn't stop him from dying. So I went back home, to my Dad, and told him that Jamie was with Mother. I couldn't tell him Jamie was dead. He would have killed me.

And now I find out that Mother was fine, she was in some shelter somewhere. And she wants to take all of my Father's money and put him in prison. I couldn't believe her. She wants to punish him for teaching her manners. I love my Father. He's looked after me. Taught me right from wrong. I could never hurt him. I don't know how she could. I don't know how.

__

I am man who has grown from a son

Been crucified by enraged women

I am son who was raised by such men

I'm often reminded of the fools I'm among

And I have been shamed

And I have relented

I'm working my way toward our union mended

And I have been shamed 

__

And I have repented

I'm working my way toward our union mended

we don't fare well with endless reprimands

we don't do well with a life served as a sentence

this won't work well if you're hell bent on your offence

I am a man who understands your resistance

Alanis Morissette – A Man


	8. Missing Something

****

Missing something

For the next week Janet walked into work with something on her mind that she couldn't pinpoint. On the third day, though, something unexpected happened. Liam Garland, Sam's friend in the Pentagon phoned the General. And told him the one thing he didn't want to hear.

"I received Sam's e-mail. There's something wrong. I received an emergency e-mail from Sam. You have to check her house, find her. Find Jonas. She's in trouble."

Dear receiver, This is an automated letter set to be sent to you by dr_s_carter@scienceweb.com. This letter was set to reach you after 3 weeks inactivity in this account. Since these parameters have been reached we have forwarded this letter

Hey Liam. I'm sure you know why you've received this. There is a phone number for a General Hammond in the Cheyenne Mountain base. He's my current CO; he'll know what to do. Love you forever, Sam.

Hearing the news, something clicked for Janet. She was crying as she rushed out of the base into the car park. Sure enough, sitting there was Sam's car. Not touched.

Four figures watched as the long black bag was removed from the pretty suburban house on a gurney. Janet turned into Daniel's embrace as the ambulance doors were slammed and the body of Captain Samantha Carter was removed from the scene. An officer walked out of the small house. He was a large man and his cold eyes told tales of things no one wishes to see. He walked over to the four figures and apologized for their loss. Jonas was gone and all that was left was a crumpled shell of the woman who tried to save his soul.

****

Afterwards

The door opened and a crack of light assaulted the occupant's eyes. Stood in the doorway was a thin young man with slight features and bespectacled eyes. Eyes puffy and red from cried tears. There, sitting at her so recently occupied desk was Jack, her colonel. His face blank and empty, staring into the distance, not even noticing as his friend walked into the room. In the gloom Daniel could make out Teal'c, sat on the floor in the middle of the room. He was deep in Kel'no'reem, a meditation to soften the edges of his pain. As he walked further into the room he could make out the Doctor, holding herself tight against the wall, her head in her lap, sobs shaking her soft shoulders. One of Sam's friends from the labs, Dr. Masters, was sat against one wall and Sergeant Siler was sitting on one of the tables, carefully examining one of the objects she'd left lying there in a moment of disorganisation, a deserted object, lonely in the world without it's master to command it. As the door shut again the dark enveloped their emotions and feelings, surrounding themselves in their own private guilt and sorrow. They sat in the room together, each of them feeling more alone then ever before. All of them heard Janet stand and as she turned on the light, all eyes turned to her.

"We have to get him now. More than ever. We have to find him. Wherever he's gone." Jack's face lifted from his knees.

"We have to get him good. He will pay." The violence was raw as his voice. Edges serrated by pain, a quiet threat to the one who had caused him such pain.

"I Sam she had something set up, in case of this. There were some letters. One for each of you. Private ones. We're not to talk to each other about them. I don't blame you if you want some privacy while you read them." She handed disks to all of the people in the room. "I have ones for the General and some of the other people in the labs as well" the doctor's steady voice faltered " I" The doctor slid gently back down the wall as if her strings had been cut and her sobs began afresh.

Daniel moved to one side of her and placed his hands gently on top of hers. Jack stood up and wavered for a moment. Then he started to walk out of the room, pausing to rest his hand on Teal'c's broad shoulder and he walked out of Sam's Lab to find a computer. Teal'c watched his friend leave with tears in his normally so impassive eyes. Maybe they weren't alone after all.

The colonel's head was on his desk when the general walked into his office. Thinking he was asleep he watched for a moment before turning to leave his 2IC to the sleep he knew he needed so badly. As he turned, a movement caught his eye. When he turned back around the colonel was standing straight and tall before him.

"Sir, I want to be discharged from the SGC. I'm a risk to the program, to you and to what's left of my team." The viciousness that penetrated his words didn't reach his emotionless, red-ringed eyes. The General saw pain in those eyes that belied the owners years, pain built up and contained over millennia all rested in one man. Through his pity he couldn't help being angry with the man for not realising his responsibility at this time. He hated the rough edge that sharpened his comments, but the anguish of her father on the phone was fresh in his mind. The colonel had no right to lie here when others needed his strength. He only wished he could be there for his friend, so far away and hard to reach.

"I'm sorry if that's what you want, son, but request most certainly denied. I need you at the moment, Jack. I need you to take care of what's left of your team'. They need you at the moment, too. Lots of people on this base do. They need your strength and your comfort. Go look after your team Jack. They need you now." The conflicting emotions on his face were painfully obvious, nothing he was trained to cope with could cover the emotions he was feeling, that were ripping through him now. That was when the phone call came through.

"We've found him, sir. He's shacked up in some abandoned compound. He's killed Lieutenant Marks. She worked at the SGC, sir. Looks like he's targeting our people. He's become a security risk. Young Captain Stephens escaped from him, she's safe in hospital, guarded. She's told us everything we need to know. We have him." The general put the phone down, his heart heavy.

"Sir? Have they found him? What is it?"

"Yes colonel, they've found him." He paused. "He's killed another SGC officer." A million emotions flashed over Jacks face at once, hatred, sadness, pity, and finally resolve and hardness. A decision had been made that the General had no influence over and he knew that.

"Sir. There's something I have to do. Something I promised Carter I promised her. I have to sort this out sir, now. Before someone else gets hurt."

"Are you going to tell the others about this?"

"No, sir, with all due respect. I don't want them involved in this. This is something I have to do alone." The new glint that the General could see in the Colonel's eyes almost made him reconsider the decision that was already made. What he saw there scared him. Or rather what he didn't see. The warm brown eyes that had faced him with such pain were now cold and empty. Killing eyes.

"I thought so. General Davies is running the mission. He's asked you to contact him. Do you have a contact?"

"Yes, sir, I can contact him. Thank you sir."

"Good Luck, son. God's speed." The General watched the Colonel leave his office. He knew all special ops officers had some black history and Jack wasn't unusual in that way. But this man he thought he knew, this man had a direct line to General Davies and the look in his eye and the tone of his voice said nothing good about the mission he knew he was about to receive. Not for the first time General Hammond prayed for Jack O'Neill's soul.

__

It was only one hour ago  
It was all so different then  
Nothing yet has really sunk in  
Looks like it always did  
This flesh and bone  
It's just the way that we are tied in  
But there's no one home  
I grieve...  
for you  
You leave...  
me  
So hard to move on  
Still loving what's gone  
Said life carries on...  
Carries on and on and on...  
and on  
The news that truely shocks  
Is the empty, empty page  
While the final rattle rocks  
Its empty, empty cage...  
And i can't handle this  
I grieve...  
for you  
You leave...  
me  
Life carries on and on and on...  
Did I dream this belief?  
or did I believe this dream?  
now I will find relief  
I grieve...  
Peter Gabriel – I grieve


	9. Jonas

****

Jonas – written by Amber. Stolen thoughtlessly and played with, please forgive me!

The night air was dark and cool. A cigarette being lit up the air briefly, a guard trying to warm himself by it. The guard quickly snapped to attention as a man with an armful of documents walked by. He stopped and smiled at the solider, whose face showed the discomfort of the fag burning his hand.

"You can smoke that you know."

"Yes sir." The man smiled and continued walking into the house. He stopped in the doorway of one of the rooms. The open fireplace heated the room, giving it an artificial cozy' feeling. The man knew this, because the man who stood at the windows, his back turned to him, was far from warm and friendly.

"Jonas! I brought you a little present." Jonas turned, a smile slowly spreading across his face, his eyes narrow and black.

"Its about time. Shall we take a look?"

"I'll be glad too." He opened the documents onto the table and pulled them out, sorting them into photographs, satellite pictures and maps. Jonas picked up one of the photographs. It was of Sam and Jack. Just before they entered his house, a smile on both their faces.

"You know, when I was first in this air force, I went to a survival training course. This man here ran it, and that's where I met Samantha. I thought these two seemed a little too familiar with each other. And now it turns out that they have known each other for years."

"You certainly would have pissed this Colonel O'Neill off then." Jonas gave a wicked smile.

"Did I ever."

"Here's the plans, this shows her usual routine as she head out to work. Your best tactic would be to get her here, along the mountain road."

"Mmmm" Jonas studied the route. "There is a clearing at the top of this mountain. We can put a helicopter there."

"Wouldn't the base pick it up?"

"I wouldn't think so. If we do it here, they won't even notice. The base is about another half an hour up the mountain." The man nodded. He sat down and began writing a few notes down, then it hit him. He knew this man, this Colonel O'Neill. He was older now, not quite how he remembered him...

"Mark, conduct a perimeter search would you?" He nodded. Standing up, Mark then frowned. O'Neill owned the corvette that he and Simon had pulled up that night... He picked up the radio and sighed before giving the order.

Jack could smell the cigarettes before he could see them. It was one fault that Americans had in the armed forces, they always smoked too much... He ducked as he saw a few guards coming in his direction. The passed him and Jack quietly ran forward. He could see the house through the trees; its lights glowed in to the night. On the veranda, he could make out the figure of a man with a radio. Giving orders for the search. Jack was sure that they hadn't detected him. Jonas was known for giving perimeter searches when he was planning something. He was sure that this something was to do with Sam. Jack spotted several guards on the roof. Putting his night vision on, he attached the silencer and aimed. The guards fell down without even having the chance to react. Jack patted the rifle. God I love these quick firing ones... He got to his feet and moved closer.

"Search came up negative, Jonas."

"Good. You can never be too careful..."

"Would you like me to get your men in?"

"I think that we should. I would like this project to get started as quickly as possible, it's taken me that long to get the required information..." Mark stepped out side. He didn't want to do this anymore. Not because of Jack, but because he was feeling guilty about it. His family bankrupt, Jonas had come to him, promising a huge paycheck. It was only till it was too late that he realized that it was a mistake. He had sent word to is family to get out while they still could, now he had no idea where they were, or how to get himself out of it. Mark hadn't seen his family in 15 years. In fact, it wasn't long after he and Simon had taken Jack back to his parents...

Jack shifted slightly in the tree. The man below him was leaning against the rail, swearing and muttering to himself. He looked up and Jack himself cursed. Mark, from the police... 10 minutes later, mark returned with several men. Jack scanned the house with his scope. Jonas was just out of view, but he could see the mans shadow through a curtain. He could always risk the shot... But if I miss, I will be found and killed. Suddenly Jonas came into view. It was just enough to kill the man... Jack nestled himself to get comfortable and took aim... Mark obstructed his view.

Shit. Jack watched them go into the opposite side of the house. He jumped from the tree and made his way over. Much better. He had a clear view of all but 1 man. Jonas was sitting amongst the men; Mark was the one who was missing Jack began to set himself up. I've never thought of myself as an assassin, but I assassinate people Technically, I get paid and I am given a target, I then go out and shoot them. He adjusted the setting on the scope. I wonder what Sam thinks of this? She knows that I got up to some shit, but she doesn't know that I am an assassin. I should probably tell her. Mark sat down on one of the chairs in the bar. He wasn't part of this process. I know that I am not allowed, but whom is she going to tell? Half the stuff she does is top secret as well. This secrecy thing is over rated. That's why Special Forces men go nuts every now and then. We can't tell people about what we have done, and those that we can tell, our CO's, since we are forbidden to talk about it among the force, just tell us to get on with it. It's just a job. 

Jack took aim. Jonas Hansen was clear... Yeah right. It's just a job. How about they get off their fucking asses and try and kill some one, how would you like killing a boy, Davis? Sure you would say, but in reality, that's why you stay on that nice chair, cause you are to damn weak to stand up and pull the trigger yourself. Jack sat back, resting the run on his lap. He then took another look through the scope. A picture, of him and Sam. Fuck you! You fucking rapist! Jack quickly took aim. His finger nestled over the trigger. He began to slowly pull down. CLICK! It sounded so loud, but Jack didn't jump. He turned to see one of the guards behind him, gun aimed at the base of his neck. "Shit."

Mark looked up in astonishment. There was Jack himself, being held with a gun to his head, the rifle in the guard's hand. Jonas smiled. "Well, O'Neill. I can see where your career has taken you." Jack starred at him, his eyes neutral. All that training had come into some use... Jonas picked up a picture.

"You know, Jack..."

"That would be Colonel O'Neill." He was rewarded with a punch in the stomach that sent him bending in half.

"Jack, I should have know that there was something up between you and my Samantha. I guess the reason that I didn't take too much notice is that I was the one fucking her..." Jack straightened. He looked in his opponent's eyes. He launched himself at Jonas, only to be pulled back by the guards.

"Mark, have him taken to the cells, and keep an eye on him."

"Sure" Mark led the way down the halls. Before being thrown it, Jack was hit over the head with a rifle but. As he fell to the ground, Jack saw the pained apology on Marks' face.

Jack groaned as he rolled over. The headache told him that he shouldn't be moving. His eyes focused on Marks face. "Hello again."

"I didn't think you would recognize me."

"Are you kidding? Of course I am going to remember the faces of the men who slashed my tires." Mark grinned.

"Do you regret the air force?"

"No. But if I hadn't of joined, I wouldn't have met her, but now, I can't be with her." Mark nodded. He felt sad. Jack definitely was a different man, then again so was he. Jack sat up, leaning against the wall.

"What are you doing here Mark?"

"I got into some trouble a while ago, and now I am to far in it all to get myself out." Jack shifted.

"He's a fucking bastard, isn't he?" Mark nodded. Jack let his head rest against the wall for a moment, and then he felt the cool metal against his upper arm. My knife! He began moving his arm to slide the knife down. He would have to kill Jonas the hard way. The old fashioned way.

The doors opened, casting the harsh light into the cells. Jack rolled away from it shielding his eyes. Beside him, Mark stood up. The guards came in and pulled Jack to his feet. Great and fantastic...

"Ease up there fellas, I'm old and fragile..." Jonas stood there. Behind him was the finished plan. A smile covering his face. The guards sat Jack down on a chair. Jack watched as Jonas picked up his rifle and studied it.

"It's a fine piece of metal. Who gave it to you?"

"A friend." Jonas nodded. "A friend. Jack, let me ask you something. Does a man who kills people for a living, say an assassin, really have friends?" Shit. What is he, a mind reader? "Sure they do. I've got lots of friends."

"Are they your real friends?" Jack thought for a moment. "I would have never of met them if I hadn't joined up."

"See?" Jonas walked over to him. "A man who kills people never has friends." Jack nodded and hung his head. Jonas smiled, He recognized submission.

"They might not say it to your face, Jack. But they do say it. Sam, she hates the fact that you have killed people."

"She doesn't know, I've never told her."

"She does Jack, they all know about you. You are a murderer and always will be."

"Its not my fault, I couldn't help it."

"No you couldn't. It was Sam's fault, and all those who you work with."

"What do I do?" Jonas smiled he stepped forward and pulled Jack to his feet and showed him the pile of paper.

"The only thing that an assassin is capable of doing. You must kill her." Jonas handed Jack Sam's' photograph. Mark swore to himself. Jack used to be so strong... He then saw a sudden blackness come into Jacks eyes. His face darkened and his lips formed a slight smile... Jack turned.

"You're right. I must kill." Jack pulled the knife from his sleeve and drove it into Jonas' throat. The man opened his mouth trying to form words, the blood spurting from the wound. Jack let him fall and grabbed his gun, he began to open fire on the shocked guards.

Mark watched in a daze as Jonas fell to the ground. Jack seemed to go into automatic pilot as he fired on the guards who were slow to react as usual. Mark then remembered the gun that he had in the back of his pants. He pulled it out and began to fire on them. Mark had never experienced pain like this before. It felt like a pinprick, and then it was if an explosion had gone off in his leg. He looked up at the man who had shot him and fired several bullets before falling to the ground. God this hurts. 

Mark looked up and saw Jack, sitting quietly against a wall. A strange loud sound came over him, it filled his ears, and somehow made his leg hurt more. Then he recognized it. He was on a helicopter. A small bump and the noise seemed to die away; Mark then saw the night sky that was quickly turning to day. He then saw strange faces.

"Did you complete the mission?"

"Wouldn't be here if I didn't. Davis, this is Mark. He's an old friend of mine." The gray man nodded.

Mark smiled as Jack sat down in the chair beside his hospital bed. "Mark, how are you doing?"

"Fine, the legs great. Can't feel a thing." Jack tapped the drip.

"Morphine's a great thing isn't it?" Mark laughed.

"Hey I've got good news. Davis found your family. They'll be here in the morning."

"Are they Ok?"

"Yeah, ecstatic to have you back..."

"Speaking of back?"

"Yeah, I have to actually go back home..." Mark nodded.

"Colorado Springs?"

"Yeah. Never thought I'd be there when I was 13."

"No one ever does."

The helicopter woke them in the early hours of the morning. Jack peeled his eyes open to look at the contraption that had woken him. Mark opened his eyes, shielding them against the glare of the rising sun, working out the kinks in his neck. Sleeping against a tree isn't all that good for a person. Even though there were beds inside the house, they didn't want to sleep there, it would be like they were admitting that they were like the dead men inside. Jack climbed in and watched as the chopper climbed away from the ground. In front of him was Davis' face, pleased with the job that he had done. Jack sighed. He was just pleased that he had gotten out alive. He looked at Mark, who was now sleeping. Sounds like a good idea... Jack let his eyes drift shut as the helicopter flew out of the trees.

__

I've got my work cut out with you, you tore bits out of me  
Your carpet burns and bruises blue, are there for all to see  
But I can tell you've been through hell  
Finally you wear it well  
It's an accessory, it's time to change your uniform  
And hand it on to me, to me  
And I dream one day I'll find  
The one who lives inside my mind  
They feel the same way too, we've all been used  
Dazed, beautiful and bruised (x2)  
And blame is not a one way street, the widest alley  
But cause me grief, and my belief is harm will come to you  
Between the lines I think you'll find  
Lessons learned from valleys eyes  
Beauty can turn sour, so recognise through all the lies  
The hero of the hour, the hour  
And I dream one day I'll find  
The one who lives inside my mind  
They feel the same way too, we've all been used  
When there's nothing, nothing left to lose  
Dazed, beautiful and bruised

Catatonia – Dazed Beautiful and Bruised

Jack,

It seems so strange, writing to you like this. Knowing the circumstances under which you read this. I find myself unconsciously putting off writing to you, all of the other letters lie to one side, written, typed and packaged away. Ready to be forgotten. But this letter is so much harder. I find writing this single letter scares me the most.

I wanted so many things in my life. I had so many dreams. I want to thank you for being able to experience most of those in my years in the star gate program. It's been a wild ride and I regret nothing more than leaving it behind.

I feel I owe you some explanation for my actions. I wish I could have been strong enough to talk about this to your face, tell you of my past and my plans for the future. I have always wondered how you might react, but was scared that I would not be able to explain myself well enough, and only damage things for the both of us.

When I was young my mother died in an accident. My brother blamed my father and the Air Force and moved away from us both as soon as he was able. My father blamed himself and moved away from me. I joined the Air Force for many reasons. One, I think, although I did not know it at the time, was to try to get my father back. Not the Air Force Colonel, as he was then, but my father. By doing this I isolated my brother even more and still my father didn't change. I haven't talked to my dad in over five years.

Somehow I blame all of this for my attraction to the wild edge I saw in Jonas. I saw a soul that was within my reach. I saw hope that if I could help this one man I could possibly go on to pull my family back together. Save us all.

It was a few years before I realised my mistake, and then I knew that what Jonas had become was more than I could ever save. I knew that if I left him he would lash out at the nearest person, and I wasn't willing to let that happen. I was trapped, to scared to move in either direction. So I made a plan.

I did what I did to make sure that he couldn't just move on to the next person. I did what I did to protect the people around me. I don't want any one else getting hurt because of me, Jack. I want him to get put away, so he's as far away from anyone I care about as possible. I want you to help me with that Jack, because I know I can't do it alone anymore. I don't want anyone else to get hurt.

I want to thank you for your help. It has been a great honour serving with you and the rest of SG1. I hope I have made you proud.

Major Dr. Samantha Carter

12-3-1999

Angel of Death

Lunatic, fell asleep.

Prayed the Lord his soul doth keep.

Lunatic, began to cry.

Show no mercy, let him die.

Lunatic, your life is meaningless.

Never to overcome your worthlessness.

Lunatic, don't fight thine fate.

Destiny delivers you to hell's gate.

Lunatic, inferior in every way.

Complex deepens with passing day.

Lunatic, feel guilty to exist.

I come for you, don't resist.

Lunatic, a damnation of humanity.

Filled with hate and broken sanity.

Lunatic, do you hear a shrill wail?

The Angel of Death marches upon your trail.

Lunatic, Look me in the eye.

Apocalypse now, do or die.

Lunatic, tragic life ebbs away.

A motionless corpse begins to decay.

Lunatic, you passed the test.

Heretic hero fulfilled his quest.

Lunatic, your triumphant rebirth.

No longer shalt thou plague sacred earth.

Beautiful Freak


End file.
